Jenny From the Block Now Seems More Like Jenny From Another Planet in Harper’s Bazaar

Jennifer Lopez leads a weird life in a completely different realm from the rest of us. We can give her some credit for seeming to be a decent person and having some business savvy, but her usual “I’m just one of you” down-to-earth thing is a little too much to take.

Dear J. Lo, you are a ridiculously rich celebrity whose life hasn’t resembled normal in more than two decades. Please admit this to yourself and stop trying to pretend otherwise.

You’re not that good an actress.

If you haven’t thrown up enough today, you should really check out Miss Jenny’s interview in the February issue of Harper’s Bazaar – which, after some of her responses, should be called Harper’s Bizarre.

The woman lives in some kind of strange dream world where dressing yourself and brushing your kids’ hair adds elegance to your life. For the rest of us, it means we aren’t naked and our children don’t have last week’s powdered donuts stuck to their heads.

Allow us to paint a picture for you and we’ll give you some of the surreal and vomitous highlights.

First, J. Lo has her photo taken on “the terrace of the Ciragan Palace hotel in Istanbul” for the cover of the magazine. She’s being endearingly silly until the photographer is upset at “losing the moment,” at which point the old pro snaps into pose mode and shoots a “sexy laser stare” at the photographer saying, “Oh honey, I’ve been doing this for 20 years.”

Next, she’s “on a yacht on the Bosporus, on her way to the 32nd concert date of her world tour.” We totally know what Bosporus is because we yacht there all the time. And it’s totally normal to take a yacht to your next tour stop, as opposed to a plane or a bus or even an alpaca. And of course, on the yacht she’s “in stage makeup, sweats, and an epic cashmere scarf” and “she’s absorbed with a studded Hermes cuff in a magazine.”

But unlike us, she’s actually considering buying the studded cuff, not just admiring the well-lit studio photo. Ms. From the Block says, “Rocks I wanna get.”

We’ll give you a moment to go grab your Tums.

Sure, the author of the effusive article has pretty much thrust Lopez outside of our universe, but the singer-slash-mogul makes a safe rocket ship landing on another planet with her response to a question about the rather large entourage she drags along with her wherever she goes.

She says, “I like the whole idea of traveling, of looking good and doing it well. I make it as simple and as beautiful as I can because my life is kind of big. So I pack my luggage, or dress myself, or comb my kids’ hair, pick up their clothes – that makes our life beautiful, you know? There’s something very elegant in that.”

No. We don’t know.

It’s also clear that ages are different on J. Lo’s new home planet. She admits that she turned 40, but jokes about being 25. Then she says that her mental age is “16 to 18.” Which is maybe supposed to be a good thing. Her logic is, “That’s when I became the person that I am. Even though I didn’t realize the whole journey I would go on, I still feel all that youthfulness.”

Right. Us too.

Oh, and did we mention that she lives on a planet where this story is real and makes absolute sense? “I have that [2000 Grammy Awards Versace dress] at home. The other day, my housekeeper put it on a mannequin in my spa, where I get my hair and makeup done. She sent me a picture. She was like, ‘You like this dress?’ Um, yeah, but I don’t know if I like it out in the house!”

What’s really weird is that we were telling that same exact story about our spa to our yacht buddies just the other day. Only in our story, we fired the housekeeper for her insolence. And changed our phone number. And went back to beautifully brushing the hair of our own children.

On our home planet of Pluto.